When I Was A Lad
If that foppish guy from the HMS Pinafore wanted to become a corporate exec rather than the ruler of the queen's navee...
"When I Was A Grad"
My title always starts with ‘C’,
I boss around each SVP
My wealthy life my learjet flaunts
And we’re his assistants and his lackeys and his quants!
And we’re his assistants and his lackeys and his quants!
And they’re his assistants and his lackeys and his quants!
In a penthouse, I reside,
The block is gentrified,
And I frequent tables at the high-end haunts
Without his assistants and his lackeys and his quants!
Dismissed his assistants and his lackeys and his quants!
His pissed off assistants and his lackeys and his quants!
My P/E ratio,
Disqualifies an IPO,
I thus, cut expenses, as the market wants,
And fire my assistants and my lackeys and my quants
(And find new assistants, cheaper lackeys, cheaper quants)
Sack the help and sack the lackey,
Buy the mistress something tacky,
And furlough all the coders and the quants!
An ivy league arse, my junior term
I interviewed at a consulting firm,
I tweaked the slide decks and I built rapport,
And I polished all the apples on the C-suite floor
(And polishing those apples was a crucial chore!)
I polished all those apples with flattery,
And maximized my internship at BCG!
(He polished senior apples compulsively,
The leader of his intern class at BCG!)
My fashion sense, an affluent jerk,
Kept my khakis well-pressed for my client work,
My spreadsheets checked, every MECE band,
And I smiled at my bosses and I “built my brand”
(He smiled every morning with a snack in hand)
I answered each entreaty with a childish glee,
They made me an associate at BCG
(His preference for deference was plain to see,
A popular associate at BCG!)
I boarded flights and passed all the blame
I expensed all my meals and I played the game,
I “built consensus,” I would “execute,”
And an Uber from the Westin was my new commute
(And he’d advocate “redundant roles” be destitute)
My diligent pursuit of “inefficiency”
Would leave the client thrilled about their LTV
(Reductions in redundant inefficiency
Would land him a director role at BCG!)
Engagements, scheduled at a furious clip,
Were an anxious tap-dance of brinksmanship,
And that brinksmanship - a cash machine,
Where the acts were foul, but my hands remained clean
(Where the filthy deeds left the clients’ hands clean)
But “trimming the fat” delighted me,
And soon a client hired me as SVP
(He used lots of words like “synergy”
And now he is a modern corporate SVP!)
I would offer dreams to the malcontent,
Decimate the ranks of middle management
I oversaw an org chart overhaul,
And I hired shills and flunkies who could take the fall,
(With mastery of minions and the wherewithal)
I lacked such conscience, they promoted me,
By offering a title that began with ‘C’
(He sacked so swiftly they promoted he,
By buying him a desk of rich mahogany!)
You ivy grads, of lofty pedigrees
If you seek prestige and success guarantees
If you harbor ambitions of a world to rule,
Then management consulting is your stepping stool.
(You’ll build your reputation as an office tool)
Learn Word and Excel, earn ivy league degrees,
And you all may hold titles that begin with ‘C’
(Learn Word and Excel, but never PHP
And you all may climb the ladder and be tools like me!)
Written By: "Weird Ev" Coopersmith & AE Studio
"When I Was A Lad"
I am the monarch of the sea,
The ruler of the Queen’s Navee
Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants.
And we are his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts
(And we are his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts)
(And they are his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts)
When at anchor here I ride,
My bosom swells with pride,
And I snap my fingers and a foeman’s taunts
And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts
(And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts)
(And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts)
But when the breezes blow,
I generally go below,
And seek the seclusion that a cabin grants
And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts
(And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts)
His sisters and his cousins,
Whom he reckons by the dozens,
His sisters and his cousins and his aunts!
When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to an Attorney's firm.
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.
(He polished up the handle of the big front door.)
I polished up that handle so carefully
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy!
(He polished up that handle so carefullee,
That now he is the ruler of the Queen's Navee!)
As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
I served the writs with a smile so bland,
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand.
(He copied all the letters in a big round hand.)
I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
(He copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!)
In serving writs I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became;
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the passed examination at the Institute.
(For the passed examination at the Institute.)
That passed examination did so well for me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
(That passed examination did so well for he,
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!)
Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the partnership.
And that junior partnership, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
(Was the only ship that he ever had seen.)
But that kind of ship so suited me,
That now I am the ruler of the Queen's Navee!
(But that kind of ship so suited he,
That now he is the ruler of the Queen's Navee!)
I grew so rich that I was sent
By a pocket borough into Parliament.
I always voted at my party's call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
(He never thought of thinking for himself at all.)
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
(He thought so little, they rewarded he
By making him the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!)
Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.
(Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.)
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!
(Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!)
Written By: Gilbert & Sullivan, circa 1878
