Read Your Brains

Read Your Brains

Jonathan Coulton envisions corporate zombies who want to eat your brains. In truth, they might prefer simply to decode your thoughts and intentions.

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"Re: Your Brains"

Heya, Tom, it's Bob, from the office down the hall

It's good to see you buddy, how've you been?

Things have been okay for me, except that I'm a zombie now

I really wish you'd let us in

I think I speak for all of us when I say I understand

Why you, folks, might hesitate to submit to our demand?

But here's an FYI

You're all gonna die screaming


All we want to do is eat your brains

We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes

All we want to do is eat your brains

We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise

If you open up the doors

We'll all come inside and eat your brains


I don't want to nitpick, Tom, but is this really your plan?

Spend your whole life locked inside a mall?

Maybe that's okay for now

But someday you'll be out of food and guns

Then you'll have to make the call

I'm not surprised to see you haven't thought it through enough

You never had the head for all that bigger-picture stuff

But, Tom, that's what I do

And I plan on eating you slowly


All we want to do is eat your brains

We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes

All we want to do is eat your brains

We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise

If you open up the doors

We'll all come inside and eat your brains


I'd like to help you, Tom, in any way I can

I sure appreciate the way you're working with me

I'm not a monster, Tom, well, technically I am

I guess I am


I've got another meeting, Tom, maybe we could wrap it up

I know we'll get to common ground somehow

Meanwhile, I'll report back to my colleagues

Who were chewing on the doors

I guess we'll table this for now

I'm glad to see you take constructive criticism well

Thank you for your time, I know we're all busy as hell

And we'll put this thing to bed

When I bash your head open


All we want to do is eat your brains

We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes

All we want to do is eat your brains

We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise

If you open up the doors

We'll all come inside and eat your brains

Written By: Jonathan Coulton, 2006

"Read Your Brains"

Heya Judd, it’s Zuck, from the network you detest

It’s good to see fresh clicks to intercept!

We’re the same monstrosity except they call us “Meta” now,

I really wish you’d click “accept.”

Leviathan of overlords in the phone you keep in hand,

Kindly share your cranium in our cyber-wonderland,

The Meta BCI,

Pitching stuff to buy, scheming


All we want to do is read your brains,

It’s not infeasible, we already read your ears and eyes

All we want to do is read your brains,

Install your implant here, free for you to authorize

If you open up your skull,

We’ll decode your thoughts and read your brains!


I don’t want to nitpick Judd, but is “agency” your plan?

Billions surf the net we use to trawl!

Maybe you can lock your phone,

But someday you’ll get messaged in your car,

And you’ll need to make a call

We hope your expectations of discretion will adjust

Perhaps the bids for Snapchat were a breach of antitrust

But Judd, that’s what we do,

As we add more GPUs daily


All we want to do is read your brains,

It’s not infeasible, we already read your ears and eyes

All we want to do is read your brains,

Install your implant here, free for you to authorize

If you open up your skull,

We’ll decode your thoughts and read your brains!


I’d like to profit, Judd, in any way I can

I think my board would like to boost our earnings quickly

We’re losing users who are savvy to our scam,

(And pings and spam)


I’ve got speak to Congress now, by a hoodie, hide some cash, 

Read the latest gripes to disavow,

Meanwhile I’ll keep paying my employees

Who are selling out their souls

To a surveillance sacred cow

I’ve got some new behavioral addictions to impel, 

Prison sans a crime within a new panoptic hell,

Would you let us in your head?

Just keep one more thread open…


All we want to do is read your brains,

It’s not infeasible, we already read your ears and eyes

All we want to do is read your brains,

Install your implant here, free for you to authorize

If you open up your skull,

We’ll decode your thoughts and read your brains!

Written By: Evan Coopersmith & AE Studio

"Re: Your Brains"

Heya, Tom, it's Bob, from the office down the hall

It's good to see you buddy, how've you been?

Things have been okay for me, except that I'm a zombie now

I really wish you'd let us in

I think I speak for all of us when I say I understand

Why you, folks, might hesitate to submit to our demand?

But here's an FYI

You're all gonna die screaming


All we want to do is eat your brains

We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes

All we want to do is eat your brains

We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise

If you open up the doors

We'll all come inside and eat your brains


I don't want to nitpick, Tom, but is this really your plan?

Spend your whole life locked inside a mall?

Maybe that's okay for now

But someday you'll be out of food and guns

Then you'll have to make the call

I'm not surprised to see you haven't thought it through enough

You never had the head for all that bigger-picture stuff

But, Tom, that's what I do

And I plan on eating you slowly


All we want to do is eat your brains

We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes

All we want to do is eat your brains

We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise

If you open up the doors

We'll all come inside and eat your brains


I'd like to help you, Tom, in any way I can

I sure appreciate the way you're working with me

I'm not a monster, Tom, well, technically I am

I guess I am


I've got another meeting, Tom, maybe we could wrap it up

I know we'll get to common ground somehow

Meanwhile, I'll report back to my colleagues

Who were chewing on the doors

I guess we'll table this for now

I'm glad to see you take constructive criticism well

Thank you for your time, I know we're all busy as hell

And we'll put this thing to bed

When I bash your head open


All we want to do is eat your brains

We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes

All we want to do is eat your brains

We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise

If you open up the doors

We'll all come inside and eat your brains

Written By: Jonathan Coulton, 2006

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