Not Shipping Software Today
While not quite a panic-stricken meltdown at the altar, what's more frightening, the "Company" of Stephen Sondheim or the company of Elon Musk?
"Not Shipping Software"
CLIENT:
Morning folks,
Glad you’re all on time,
(Please respond in rhyme)
These standup chats will consume,
My Zoom-filled day
MUSK:
Today, we’ll be shipping,
Features investors were loathe to delay,
To minimize our downtime, to mollify our users,
Today, we’ll be shipping
The app that will raise Series A…
DEV:
Pardon me, can everybody hear? Because if everybody’s here
I’d like to thank you all for coming to this standup,
I’d appreciate your leaving even more,
I know you must have lots of tickets you can close,
and not a word of this to Musk, remember Musk,
you know the boss who signs my paychecks, but he won’t,
because I cannot find a bugfix for the login page on Windows -
Thank you all
For the quips and emojis…
Thank you all
For the tricks that you’ve shown me
Don’t tell Musk,
But I’m not shipping software today.
CLIENT:
Ship this app!
Version 2.0
Progress has been slow.
The deadline makes us commit…
…in Git each day
DEV:
Sorry everybody that I couldn’t fix the bug before
the meeting, what’s a meeting, it’s a modern corporate ritual
where everyone enumerates the stuff they have accomplished,
which is really mostly bullshit tasks for managers and lackeys,
or an auto-flagellation where ashamedly I grovel for forgiveness
and the boss decides to can me, which he should –-
Timelines crunched,
But I’m not shipping software,
Clocks get punched,
But I’m not shipping software
Screw the “brand”
‘Cause I’m not shipping software
Screw what’s “planned”
‘Cause I’m not shipping software
And don’t tell Musk,
But I’m not shipping software today.
Churn, live and learn,
While the burn
Rate is quickening,
Just try
To scrape by
With another coder’s hack
Every click,
Burns my wick,
Makes me tic,
This is sickening
Change specs,
New UX,
Or adopt another stack
Listen have I really just been rambling on mute, or are you sitting
there appalled as I implode in my embarrassment,
it isn’t only Musk whose IPO may disappear,
you know we’d all have made a bundle from an exit
so I tried to ping my manager for help, of course he’s out of town ‘till Monday,
but by Monday I’ll sitting on my couch collecting unemployment –-
This won’t sell,
So I’m not shipping software,
I’m in hell
So I’m not shipping software,
Code won’t run,
So I’m not shipping software,
Raise more funds
‘Cause I’m not shipping software
And don’t tell Musk,
But I’m not shipping software today
CLIENT:
Sack this dev!
Find somebody trained,,
Code must be maintained,
And scrap the road show cross town,
Cash is down
The drain
MUSK:
Today, we’ll be shipping
Software whose vapor we’ve sold for a year,
To pull us out of beta,
To satisfy the market…
DEV:
Code, scripts in node,
My abode penitentiary
I’m hosed, indisposed,
Like celebs on TMZ,
Now this lapse, chats in CAPS
Since these apps are a dumpster fire,
So fine, I’ll resign,
Sign some docs, and close my mac.
MUSK:
… Today we’ll be shipping,
An app that we’ve pitched to VCs
That will answer their pleas…
DEV:
… Sorry for my panicked histrionics,
but my latest push may introduce an exploit, and I think the cake’s a lie
so if you ship it as it stands, you’ll all be liable,
but maybe I’m hysterical, a software hypochondriac?
so please review my twenty-seven pull requests,
thirty-seven issue logs,
forty-seven bug reports,
fifty-seven ReadMe files
DEV: … To be clear...
… We’re not shipping software.
CLIENT: … We’re stuck!
MUSK: … As you’ve read...
DEV: … But I'm not shipping software!
CLIENT: … Bad luck!
MUSK: … With this app...
DEV: … Still, I'm not shipping software!
CLIENT: … You suck!
MUSK: … We’ll raise bread.
DEV: … No, I'm not shipping software!
CLIENT: … We’re f*&ked!
MUSK: … I’m so glad that we are shipping software
DEV: … I’m so sad that we’re not shipping software
ALL: … Today!
Written By: "Weird Ev" Coopersmith and AE Studio
"Not Getting Married"
CHOIRGIRL:
Bless this day,
Pinnacle of life,
Husband joined to wife.
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day.
PAUL:
Today is for Amy,
Amy, I give you the rest of my life,
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.
Today is for Amy,
My happily soon-to-be wife.
AMY:
Pardon me, is everybody here? Because if everybody's here,
I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding,
I'd appreciate your going even more,
I mean you must have lots of better things to do,
and not a word of this to Paul, remember Paul,
you know the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not,
because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is--
Thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all,
Now it's back to the showers,
Don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.
CHOIRGIRL:
Bless this day,
Tragedy of life,
Husband joined to wife.
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day.
AMY:
Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for,
a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual
where everybody promises fidelity forever,
which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of,
which followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's saddled
with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should--
Thanks a bunch,
But I'm not getting married--
Go have lunch,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
You've been grand,
But I'm not getting married--
Don't just stand there,
I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.
Go, can't you go?
Why is no-
Body listening?
Goodbye,
Go and cry
At another person's wake.
If you're quick,
For a kick,
You could pick
Up a christening,
But please,
On my knees,
There's a human life at stake!
Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, or do you want to
see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you,
it isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life,
you know we'll both of us be losing our identities,
I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday,
but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage--
I'm not well,
So I'm not getting married--
You've been swell,
But I'm not getting married--
Clear the hall,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
Thank you all,
But I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.
CHOIRGIRL:
Bless this bride,
Totally insane,
Slipping down the drain.
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain.
PAUL:
… Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
AMY:
… Go! Can't you go?
Look, you know I adore you all
But why watch me die
Like Eliza on the ice?
Look, perhaps I'll collapse
In the apse right before you all
So take back the cake
Burn the shoes, and boil the rice.
PAUL:
… Today is for Amy,
My, happily, soon-to-be wife
My adorable wife…
AMY:
… Look, I didn't want to have to tell you,
But I may be coming down with hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint
So if you want to watch me faint, I'll do it happily
But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral?
So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates
Thirty-seven butter knives
Forty-seven paperweights
Fifty-seven candle holders
AMY: … One more thing...
… I'm not getting married.
CHOIR: … Amen!
PAUL: … Softly said...
AMY: … But I'm not getting married.
CHOIR: … Amen!
PAUL: … With this ring...
AMY: … See, I'm not getting married!
CHOIR: … Amen!
PAUL: … I thee wed.
AMY: … Still, I'm not getting married!
CHOIR: … Amen!
PAUL: … Let us pray that we are getting married
AMY: … Let us pray that we're not getting married
ALL: … Today!
Written By: Stephen Sondheim, 1970
